Thursday 3 June 2010

Liverpool create fictional £3m job to lure Benitez away from dugout


Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez has been offered a completely made-up £3m home-working role in the hope that it will prove sufficiently attractive to entice him away from the Anfield dugout and his whiteboard of bewildering tactical decisions.

The offer has been made due to the excessive cost of firing Benitez following the ridiculous five-year contract extension he was awarded in 2009 by co-owner Tom Hicks during a particularly heavy bout of mind-altering narcotics consumption.

As one Liverpool insider explained, “We can’t afford the ten million it would take to fire him, so we’ve told Rafa that this new home-based role is absolutely key to the future success of Liverpool, and that he, and only he, can do it.”

“It mainly consists of watching a lot of television at home and doing a bit of gardening, but when he has a blinding flash of tactical genius he has been told he should write up his detailed analysis, and then ‘post’ it to the club using our highly secure waste-bin transfer facility.”

“We’ve told him he just needs to drag the newly created file to the icon of a waste-bin, it’s that easy.”

Consideration

Benitez himself has said he is considering the offer, finding the new role ‘intriguing’.

He told reporters, “I have always thought of myself as a footballing visionary, and to be the first manager in the history of the game to take on such a role, would be a great honour.”

“I am not entirely sure about the ‘staying away from Anfield at all costs’ bit, but it has to be said that I do indeed do my best thinking when I’m in the garden.”

“If me staying at home and agreeing to never directly contact any of the players or coaching staff ever again is what it takes to put Liverpool back where they belong – somewhere around 4th – then so be it.”

“But the good news is that with my waste-bin hotline to the Anfield boot-room, my tactical insights will never be far from the Liverpool pitch.”


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