Thursday 3 June 2010 By Jon Price

Hollyoaks producers fail to cap flow of murderous lesbians


The residents of Chester have been told to remain on the alert today, after the producers of popular soap Hollyoaks admitted that their attempts to stem the flow of mentally unstable lesbians have failed.

Lime Pictures first reported a serious leak of sexually ambiguous teenage girls last week, after drilling operations at their studio plumbed the depths of a newly discovered reserve of lesbianism story-lines.

“We thought we had hit pay dirt,” admitted one writer, “but soon we had more of them than we knew what to do with.”

“Our plan to elicit a frisson of excitement before the watershed with a forbidden and ultimately fatal lesbian love affair has blown up in our faces.”

“And no doubt the faces of hundreds of our male viewers.”

Crisis

With psychopathic lesbians being reported as far afield as Nantwich, environmental campaigners have hit out against the production company for digging up such issues without first considering the sensibilities of the local population.

“Cheshire just can’t cope with that many killer lesbians,” claimed Mike Rail, spokesman for pressure group Responsible Plots for Daytime Dramas.

“Drilling for such high-yield plot-lines is a risky strategy. Producers need to return to the kind of slow burn homosexual themes that sustained us in the 70’s and 80’s – Amos Brearly’s burgeoning relationship with Mr. Wilks down t’Woolpack for example.”

“The results bear fruit: Yorkshire is hardly awash with murderers is it?”

Disaster

Experts are calling this spillage the greatest soap-related environmental disaster since 1993, when a similar crisis in the East End of London was only narrowly averted when a glut of miserable bastards was successfully contained in a hastily constructed Eastenders Christmas special.

Producers are now investigating similar ways of reducing the flow of mental lesbians, and have set up a special disaster recovery team led by creator Phil Redmond to siphon a limited number into a special ‘Hollyoaks After Dark’ edition of the show.

He said, “If this is successful we will look to re-route lesbians into other, less popular soaps, such as Take the High Road, Pobol y Cwm and Coronation Street, where the impact of nubile if unhinged females on smaller audiences will prove less contentious.”

“Failing that I’ll just chuck a bloody aeroplane on them or something.”

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