Wednesday 2 June 2010

Israel and Palestine insist violence can solve everything, actually


Israel and Palestine have today renewed their statement to the world’s children insisting that they are a perfect example of how violence can be used to solve pretty much everything.

With many of the world’s impressionable young people being taught that violence should never be used to resolve their differences, Israel and Palestine are keen to show the easily-influenced youth that this is actually not the case.

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said, “We are told as kids that fighting resolves nothing, well we would like to go on record as saying that it absolutely does, and I’m sure our Israeli neighbours would agree.”

Israeli President Shimon Peres agreed, telling reporters, “Sure, this place can be a nightmare to live in, but can you imagine how bad it would be if we hadn’t been incessantly bombing the shit out of each other for the last 50 years?”

“All that violence has been instrumental in creating the welcoming environment that you see around you today.”

“If anything, we are both prime examples of just what can be achieved when you focus on trying to kill your neighbours to the detriment of just about everything else in your life.”

Violence

Representatives of both sides are pushing for ‘dispute resolution’ to be added to academic syllabuses around the world, with the Israeli/Palestinian model at the forefront.

Abbas continued, “Sure, you can try ‘talking’ and ‘negotiating’ for a short time, but we would look to teach the best ways to escalate towards trying to kill the person who doesn’t agree with you.”

Peres added, “And we are keen to teach the best ways of killing people who don’t agree with you under the thin disguise of ‘self defence’.”

“We have a lot to teach about the benefits of violence, and we see ourselves as the perfect case study for teaching children the world over on how to use a violent conflict to further your agenda.”

“Funnily enough, using violence to resolve our differences is just about the only thing we agree on.”

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