Tuesday 1 June 2010

BP to plug oil leak with tonnes of PR bullshit


Oil company BP is to take the unprecedented step of trying to plug its Gulf of Mexico oil spill using the tonnes of PR bullshit normally reserved for fertilising shareholders bank accounts.

The move comes as the firm’s so-called “top kill” bid, which essentially consisted of using a child-like concoction of mud and golf balls, failed to plug the massive spill from its leaking well in the Gulf of Mexico.

A BP spokesperson explained, “We have found that by using an enormous amount of PR bullshit we are capable of minimising the negative effects of pretty much any ‘above the ground’ disaster, so why not give it a try on the sea bed?”

“We will start by forcing several thousand copies of our environmental policy into the hole, in the hope that the reams of meaningless platitudes about our green credentials can soak up much of the spewing oil in the same way they absorb the attention of analysts in the city.”

“The plan is to continue throwing several hundred tonnes of PR statements down there, ranging from bullshit about our so-called green programs, to hackneyed statements about our ongoing commitment to making you less guilty about driving a 4×4 around the roads of Surrey.”

“If all else fails, we have a 200 page document outlining our commitment to clean renewable energy sources, but we’re saving the most powerful bullshit for use as a matter of last resort.”

Environment

Sharon Bott, an environmental activist from London, explained why the green movement believed latest BP operation would prove to be successful, “You have to remember, this is a company whose sole purpose is to make lots of money by invading perfectly balanced ecosystems in order to dig for a toxic substance which they bring to the surface so that it can be burned away to pollute the atmosphere.”

“So the fact that they have convinced millions of people that they are a green company leads me to believe that the power of their PR bullshit should not be underestimated.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if the oil spill has decided to stop of its own accord by dinner time.”

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