Tuesday 1 June 2010

Bouncers to learn how to fix your face after breaking it


All new door staff must learn how to repair the entirely unnecessary damage they cause to your face when ejecting you from the premises they look after, under new rules which come into force today.

The mandatory training follows a series of high-profile ass-kickings, in which every bouncer has laid into to everyone they’ve ever thrown out, ever.

The move is seen as a positive by most club goers, with 26 year-old Rob Davies explaining, “Nothing prepares me for a good night out like a 30 second staring competition with a man whose neck is wider than my waist.”

“I suppose implementing rules that make a bouncer pick up pieces of your face might make them pause for thought before they spread your nose all over the pavement in the first place.”

“But I suppose it comes down to whether anyone witnesses the ejectees ‘fall’, or whether the ‘unfortunate accident’ was only seen by the door staff.”

Proportional response

However the Security Industry Association have claimed that the new rules are completely inappropriate for their members, for whom anything more than a forearm smash might be considered ‘poofy’.

A spokesman told us, “You can’t expect a doorman to patch-up someone he’s just forcibly ejected – because you’d basically be asking them to undo what they just did, which is ridiculous.  It would be like asking a Nurse to beat up a patient they’d just fixed.”

“If you make bouncers part-time first aiders we will lose some of the most enthusiastic doormen around, and that will make a for a poorer bar experience for everyone, but particularly the man on the door.”

“Most of our members only take these relatively poorly-paid jobs because it gives them a chance to vent much of the sexual frustration and mid-level psychosis which as been brought on by years of steroid abuse.  Take that away, and they might just stay at home growling into a mirror.”

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