June 2010

I think Wales probably needs tidying, nation tells Justice Secretary

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Home Secretary Ken Clarke has been told that if he intends to put more prisoners on Community Service programmes then he should think about sending them all to Wales, which is looking a little bit scruffy at the moment.

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Reduced NHS funding for Homeopathy to make it infinitely more powerful

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Following a recommendation by the British Medical Council to scrap funding for Homeopathy on the NHS, homeopaths have claimed that such a dilution of their funding will only serve to make them stronger.

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Venus Williams in shock defeat to a woman

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Former Wimbledon champion Venus Williams has suffered a shock quarter-final defeat at this years event, at the hands of Tsvetana Pironkova, a confirmed woman.

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Jeremy Kyle desperate to meet Calum Davenport and family

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Moron-bater Jeremy Kyle has told ITV executives that he is extremely keen to meet Calum Davenport and his family after admitting their story left him with a ‘bit of a chub on’.

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Supreme court defends right of US citizens to live on terrifying streets

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The US Supreme court has upheld the constitutional right to bear arms after Chicago tried to ban handguns in a feeble attempt to stop people getting murdered all of the time.

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Russian spies uncover KFC double-down secret recipe

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US officials have arrested ten suspected Russian spies after they were found to be passing on America’s greatest secrets, the recipes to the KFC double down chicken sandwich and other fast food delicacies.

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Uruguayan ref insists Carlisle has not crossed line into England

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Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda has this morning controversially insisted that Carlisle is actually still part of Scotland, after pointing out that at no stage did he see the Cumbrian town cross the line into England.

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Osborne to put coma patients to work as draft excluders

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Chancellor George Osborne has outlined plans to cut incapacity benefit, insisting those capable of working should work, citing the example of coma patients who could easily take up gainful employment as draft excluders.

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Apple announce hands-free iHelmet for problematic iPhone 4

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Apple has responded to criticism of its problematic iPhone 4 handset by announcing the immediate release of the iHelmet, which will remove the need to ever touch the iPhone ever again.

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Parents demand right to feed their children fatty garbage

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Ofsted has warned that many parents see schools as “bossy” or “interfering” when they have the temerity to tell them to stop filling their children’s lunch boxes with fatty garbage that has no nutritional value whatsoever.

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