Rock ‘legend’ Bono has this evening undergone emergency surgery for a suspected dislocated ego, suffered while preparing for U2 tour dates in Germany.
The self-loving 50 year-old was rushed to hospital in Munich after fellow band member Mr. Edge – real name Alan – noticed worrying signs that the usually conceited front-man was not his normal vanity-obsessed self.
Mr. Edge told reporters, “One minute everything seemed fine, and he was swaggering around backstage looking down his nose at all the roadies, like normal.”
“Then, what seemed like just seconds later, he was stood at the side of the stage, shoulders slumped, displaying some frankly worrying signs of genuine humility.”
“I asked him he was OK, but all he could say was, ‘One – that song is just load of old sentimental horse shite, isn’t it?’. I’m not afraid to admit that in that moment, I was terrified.”
“I rushed over to our drummer who said he’d noticed that Bono had not slept in his stupid fucking shades the night before – then it was all about how quickly we could reach the emergency services and get him some treatment before the ego suffered permanent damage.”
The band’s support staff reacted swiftly, with an on-site emergency first-aider ensuring Bono received some much needed mouth-to-ear ego stroking.
One witness explained, “I think that first-aid saved his ego to be honest – they just seemed to instinctively know how to react, and the right thing to say. Thankfully the paramedics arrived after just a few minutes.”
“They brought all this incredible equipment and spent about fifteen minutes applying emergency ego-massage, whilst the rest of us just looked on in horror.”
“Fortunately they managed to stabilise him, so they could get him to the hospital, but they continued the ego-massage as they loaded him into the ambulance.”
“The last thing I heard them say was, ‘You’re amazing Bono, and The Joshua Tree is the best album of the last twenty-five years, and that’s absolutely all down to you, and you alone’.”
Bono was rushed to a specialist ‘Ego Hospital’ in Munich and underwent a complex eight-hour surgery to re-locate the ego, which Doctors have declared a complete success.
A hospital spokesperson confirmed that his recuperation could take up to 8 weeks, but that he would likely make a full recovery and should return to his previous levels of brazen egotism.