Wednesday 5 May 2010

Election contenders in final preparations to begin ignoring you again


As their campaigns entered the final 24 hours before the 2010 election, all main political parties have begun making final preparations to begin completely ignoring you once again from Friday morning.

Parliamentarians the length of the country are breathing a huge sigh of relief that their month of hell with ‘the public’ will soon be at an end, with a return to Westminster now clearly on the horizon.

One candidate explained to us, “I’ve spent so much time with ‘real people’ that I honestly don’t care if I win or lose any more.  Real people are bastards.”

“It’s been a moderately interesting month, in the same way a trip to the zoo is moderately interesting.  By day four, masturbating monkeys just aren’t funny any more.”

“But let us be clear, the general public is exhausting – it will be nice to once again get back to Westminster where I can ignore their calls, leave their letters unopened, and delete their emails.”

Due process

Experienced parliamentarians have been offering advice throughout the campaign to those candidates not used to spending so much time with the public.

One retired MP told us, “Do you know how hard it is to maintain a four week shit-eating grin?  It’s tough.  Really tough.”

“It’s a bit like a bush-tucker trial, only you have to listen to some simpleton complaining about his neighbour’s trees.”

“People think we live in a democracy, but we don’t. It’s an elective oligarchy, and after Friday whoever wins will do what any good oligarch does, start making decisions to protect his position of power.”

The election is expected to have the highest turn-out in years, with technology such as the Internet credited with creating so much interest in the political process.

As our candidate concluded, “Oh I’m all for technology.  In fact, I’ve set up this new phone system for my constituents, which is essentially a maze of options designed to encourage the caller to kill themselves rather than try to reach me with an issue about pot holes.”

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