Tuesday 4 May 2010

US prisons to be full of incompetent terrorists by 2030


After yet another bungled attempt to detonate a bomb on US soil by a poorly-trained Taliban recruit, criminologists have predicted that US prisons will be full of incompetent terrorists by 2030.

Alleged Taliban member Faisal Shahzad, a US citizen of Pakistani origin, left what has been described as a ‘home-made bomb’ in a car in Times Square before attempting to flee the country.

However, the bomb did not detonate, with police sources claiming it was clearly put together by a borderline simpleton.

A New York Police source told us, “What we’re talking about here is a bag of fertilizer and a cheap firework taped together with an alarm clock.  Honestly, an 8th grade chemistry student could point to six reasons why this is a rubbish incendiary device.”

“Yes, outwardly we are treating this extremely seriously, but let me assure that behind closed doors we find this whole thing absolutely hilarious.  A bit like your Mr Bean.”

Prison

Experts in penal reform have said that this incident is just the latest in what they see as an escalation in the activities of idiot terrorists, intent on spending the rest of their lives in US custody.

“If Al Qaeda and the Taliban continue to send us retarded terrorists, then I fear for the prison service in the US.”

“Our facilities are already overcrowded, and that’s without adding failed terrorist after failed terrorist.”

“This latest incident leads me to believe that they’re hardly even trying any more.  If I didn’t know better I’d say they were actually trying to get caught.”

This latest ‘failure’ by a terrorist organisation has been claimed as a victory by the intelligence agencies, after they spent the last 12 months trying to win the hearts and minds of terrorist organisations.

One source told us, “We’ve spent six months spreading rumours that the heavenly virgins due to welcome their martyrs actually look like famous virgin Susan Boyle.”

“And if anything would make you want to stay alive as long as is humanly possible, it’s the thought of an eternity spent in her loving embrace.”

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