Tuesday 4 May 2010

Labour strategists hoping Tory supporters decide to vote ‘homeopathically’


As the election campaign enters its final two days, Labour strategists have said they hope traditional Tory supporters will look to use their votes homeopathically, in an attempt to secure a Conservative government.

With much speculation over the use of tactical voting in marginal seats, Labour strategists have said the use of homeopathic voting is almost certainly their last hope of retaining power.

One Labour source told us, “Homeopathic principles teach us that ‘like cures like’, so a Labour Government would be cured by whatever causes a Labour government –  voting Labour.”

“But only – and this is the kicker – only if you vote in really, really small amounts.”

“So we are obviously hoping that Tory voters will use the homeopathic principle when they go to the polls on Thursday.  Vote Labour, and cure the country of a Labour government.”

Magic

One Labour insider explained that a democratic dilution of one vote in forty-six million is the most potent homeopathic government remedy available, and one they hope several million Conservative voters will choose to take.

They told us, “I would imagine if you got a group of you to vote Labour it might have some homeopathic effect, but really, the most powerful way to prevent a Labour government is to use just one vote – one vote out of 46 million.  That would definitely be the most powerful homeopathic vote.  Yes.”

Peter Mandelson weighed in on the issue, declaring the homeopathic voting intentions of Conservative supporters to be the biggest threat to Labours election hopes.

Mandelson told reporters, “Yes, it’s a huge risk.  If all Conservative supporters were to vote homeopathically, they would almost certainly bring an end not only to this Labour government, but to the Labour party itself.”

“So what I am saying to the core Tory supporter around the country is this – please, please don’t vote homeopathically on Thursday.  Because if you do, I won’t be in power any more.  Am I clear?  Good.”

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