May 2010

Fewer UK beaches covered in your excrement, finds survey

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A survey by The Marine Conservation Society has found that fewer UK beaches are likely to see you lounging around in human faeces than at any point since 2006.

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We’ll get better at abusing our new power, promises Government

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The new coalition government has promised to improve the way in which it abuses its new level of power after failing spectacularly in attempts to remove Alistair Campbell from BBC panel show Question Time.

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Your inane witterings go on our website only, FA tells England squad

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The FA have told all member of Fabio Capello’s squad that their inane witterings and dull platitude-infested updates must only be published on the FA website during the forthcoming World Cup in South Africa.

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Nick Griffin announces plans to become a celebrity chef

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Nick Griffin has revealed that he plans to become a celebrity chef once he has stepped down as leader of the BNP, creating dishes such as Chicken Swastika Masala, Egg Fried Reich and Hot and Spicy Right Wings

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Facebook introduces new ‘pinky swear’ privacy level

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Social network Facebook has moved to address the privacy fears of its users by introducing a new ‘pinky swear’ security setting which ensures it will not let third party organisations know what you look like in a bikini.

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Stop getting trapped under innocent lorries, drivers told

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Car drivers everywhere have been told to stop getting caught underneath perfectly innocent lorries, driven by entirely blameless drivers, after a lorry driver was told he could keep his licences despite being filmed pushing a small car for several miles down the motorway.

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Playing Pac Man significantly less tedious than your job, finds study

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A study of Internet usage has discovered that playing Google’s free Pac-Man game is significantly more interesting than spending time on the tedious and mundane way in which you make your mediocre living.

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Smoking hot young women climbs up something or other, say press

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A terribly attractive 22 year-old woman has successfully climbed something or other, becoming the sexiest British woman ever to do so, according to reports in just about every newspaper.

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Phil Spector releases album of prison-themed ballads

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Pioneering music producer and convicted killer Phil Spector has released his first album in 30 years, a compilation of tracks inspired by experiences from his time in prison in California.

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Daily Mail locked in England-bashing foreigner-hating dilemma

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The Daily Mail has found itself locked in an unresolvable dilemma after the dawning realisation that success in scuppering England’s 2018 World Cup hosting bid would force the tournament into the hands of foreigners.

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