Monday 26 April 2010

All alien messages should be sent from Basingstoke, warns Stephen Hawking


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If the human race is to continue its attempts to contact potentially resource-hungry aliens, it should ensure all messages emanate from Basingstoke, Professor Stephen Hawking has warned.

Professor Hawking explained that any alien life form intelligent enough to understand us would likely want to raid our planet for its resources, so we should ensure they first visit a place bereft of culture, resources or intelligent life.

He told students, “My mathematical brain tells me there is almost certainly life on other planets, and it will almost certainly be far beyond intelligence levels found just north of Junction 6 on the M3.”

“But look what happened when Columbus discovered America.  A couple of hundred years in and there’s a Taco Bell on every corner, everyone is obese, and the nation worships Kim Kardashian.”

“So a visitation from an alien civilisation isn’t necessarily a good thing.  We should look for a deterrent, but not necessarily a military one, but maybe a social and economic one.”

“Have you ever met a foreigner on your travels who’d been to the UK and mentioned their lovely weekend in Basingstoke?  No. You haven’t. If we want to people to actually come back to this country, we keep them away from Basingstoke.”

“If we want to ensure they never show their face in this country ever again, we send them to Basingstoke – it’s a role they’re well suited to, and one I’m sure they would be happy to undertake on behalf of the entire planet.”

“The only way to protect our way of life is to make their initial contact point as unwelcoming and unattractive as possible.  So Basingstoke is essentially perfect.”

Aliens

UFO enthusiast Dwayne Redland said, “Basingstoke seems to be as good a place as any, I suppose.  Back home in the US we find that most UFOs tend to target places full of retarded rednecks, so maybe this is what they actually want?”

“Any intelligent life landing in Basingstoke is likely to see its spaceship stolen, find itself mugged, or at the very least approached to buy booze for some teenagers.  Natural resources will seem pretty thin on the ground by that point.”

“Best case they leave immediately, worst case they obliterate Basingstoke and then leave.  It’s the very definition of win-win.”

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