Wednesday 14 April 2010

God actually quite keen to see how all this paedophile business plays out in court


God last night let it be known that after significant global media coverage, He is actually quite keen to see how all this Catholic paedophile stuff plays out in a court of law.

Several humanist and atheist groups have suggested that the Pope should face civil charges for the Catholic church’s systematic cover up of child abuse during his visit to the UK, a proposition which God finds interesting.

In a statement issued through David Icke, God said, “I have watched with interest as accusations of cover-ups have been cast at the church, and I have to admit I am more than a little intrigued to see how it all plays out in a nice dramatic setting.”

“There is very little good legal entertainment up here since Ally McBeal finished, so I consider this to be a bit like an extended episode of LA Law.”

Pope

The Church has long claimed that the Pope will deal with the accusations internally and through an ecclesiastical court, something which God isn’t that keen on.

The statement continued, “People often say the Pope is my nominated representative on Earth, which is a bit unfair because I certainly didn’t vote for him.  He’s a bit like Gordon Brown in that respect.”

“I guess to use a sports metaphor he’s like an agent – my Mr 10% – though in practise he actually keeps the other 90% of all the money I make as well.”

“But he’s not really helping my image at the moment, so I want to hear what he has to say to a trained and hostile lawyer.”

“I just hope they don’t try and throw that celibacy thing back at me, because I never told them to do that, I sweat to G…whatever.  I think it’s bloody mental to be honest.”

“I asked Jesus about it after he got back and he said it was ‘Hell,  after a couple of years I was just about ready to jump on Mary Magdeline, and everyone knows she was a moose’.”

“So bring on the trial – and you can tell him from me, I’ll know if he is lying.”

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