Monday 12 April 2010

Real IRA clearly not that fussed about a united Ireland, claim Al Qaeda


After the Real IRA left a car bomb which exploded outside MI5’s Northern Ireland headquarters, Al Qaeda have criticised their half-arsed attempts at terrorism, claiming that they clearly aren’t that bothered about a united Ireland.

In a recorded statement delivered to Al Jazeera, an Al Qaeda spokesman said, “No-one was hurt, not even the driver of the car, or the people who prepared the explosives – is that the behaviour of people who really believe in their cause?”

“Basically, they are giving the terrorist profession a bad name.  In many ways they are even worse than the failed pants bomber – yes he was ridiculously incompetent, but at least he had lofty ambitions.”

“I’ll bet the Real IRA members behind this plot even manage to hold down proper jobs and have a normal life when they’re not plotting to bring about a nominal amount of terror to the streets of Northern Ireland.”

Old days

The statement continued, “To put it into terms you will understand, the terrorism game is much like modern day football.  What got you success thirty years ago, isn’t going to work today.”

“Terrorists today are better trained and more committed than ever before.  There are new techniques, and the Real IRA simply haven’t moved with the times.”

“The game has moved on, there’s no point looking back to the glory days and saying that the IRA of the 1970’s could instil fear into British hearts better than modern-day Al Qaeda.”

“That’s like saying Leeds United of 1974 could beat the Manchester United of 2009.  You just end up looking like an idiot. An idiot wearing a balaclava.”

“They either adapt and become a proper modern terrorist group, or they settle for mid-table mediocrity and not being taken particularly seriously.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I have to go and edit a video in which I scarily berate some western infidels whilst waving a machete around.”

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