Friday 9 April 2010

Conservatives unveil back of £12bn fag packet


The Tories have presented for the first time the fag packet on which they calculated how public spending could be reduced by £12bn – using those savings to curb plans to raise National Insurance.

The move comes as the Conservatives were pressured into revealing details of the huge savings required to cut the planned National Insurance tax increase – by just about everyone who had looked at the maths behind it.

At a press conference this morning Conservative leader David Cameron unveiled the fag packet, a cornerstone of his party’s elections strategy.

He told reporters, “This bit here is where George Osborne scribbled the idea about not to employing any new people – it’s in two different colours because the first pen ran out and the barman had to give us another one from his Bingo pot.”

“This bit here is about computers – I think it says, ‘make them cheaper’ – which I’m sure you’ll agree is an excellent idea.”

“And this series of numbers here is… oh, no, that’s the barmaids phone number.  That was on here already.”

Gaps

There were a number of questions facing Cameron after the unveiling, with most reporters keen to know more details about the proposed savings.

One asked, “What if the natural wastage occurs in jobs that are already being done efficiently, won’t you need to employ someone then? Or will you just make everyone slide one job to the left to cover it?”

Cameron responded, “That’s an excellent question, and we’ve got some one-sided beer mats on which we’ll be presenting the answer to just that question tomorrow morning – not too early though, this could be a late one.”

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