A new report has shown that giving presents to teachers is becoming increasingly commercialised and competitive, leaving every teacher in the country absolutely delighted with the situation.
The Association of Teachers and Lecturers (ATL) says pupils and parents should not feel pressurised into buying end-of-term gifts for their teachers, “but if parents want to reward teachers for their sterling efforts in improving the future prospects of their offspring, then that’s absolutely fine too.”
In a survey of 1,000 of its members, the ATL found that just 7% were so lacking in influence that they were unable to secure even the most rudimentary of gifts.
One teachers told us, “Much like the parents, we know there are some recognised good catchment areas.”
“If you can get a teaching gig in Surrey then you’re talking tickets to the cricket, jewellery, an Xbox or maybe even a night with a high class prostitute of your choice.”
“But if you get stuck in Bracknell then you’re lucky to get a piece of fruit that’s on the ‘turn’. So yes, there is a certain element of luck involved.”
“But it would be churlish, and frankly quite retarded, to refuse these gifts – so we’re not going to.”
There have been accusations outside the profession that this gift-giving culture promotes bias against children who don’t give as good presents as their peers – an accusation refuted by one teacher.
“Is it bias, really? We’d simply call it ‘the way the world works’. Would you say a Lion biased against the Zebra? Of course not, we’d simply call it mother nature at work.”
“Look, modern children are complete shits. You know it, and we know it – so if we can get a little somethin’ somethin’ out of spending all day with them, what’s the harm?”
“Let me ask you this, what do you think better prepares a child for the real world, being able to recite all of the capital cities in the world, or understanding that the way to get ahead in life is to find someone in power and kiss a bit of arse?”
“See, I knew you’d agree with us in the end.”