Thursday 25 March 2010

Darling tells tramps, stop drinking cider and just buy a bloody house


As Chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled his pre-election budget, the message to the nation’s tramps and vagrants was clear, “stop drinking cider and buy a bloody house.”

Many street-dwellers have complained that a 10% rise in duty on cider has unfairly targeted them, when it’s already difficult enough to raise the funds for a bottle of White Lightening.

One tramp sober enough to respond to questioning told us, “We’re just going to have to start asking for more money when you pass us at the tube station, you do realise that, right?”

“Maybe someone could find a way round this duty rise and make the cider out of something else, like maybe potatoes, and they could call it pider?”

“Anyway, I’ve already made my new sign, ‘spare some change for the Chancellor?’ – written in my own shit of course – which I’m hoping will help meet the shortfall.”

Assistance

A senior Labour spokesperson explained that the Chancellor had taken these taxation measures in order to help the nation’s drunken homeless.

He told us, “We know that the best way to help the homeless is to tax the shit out of the one thing that gives them pleasure – but we’ve done more than that.”

“We have completely scrapped stamp duty on homes up to £250,000 for first time buyers – which if you look at it, is technically what those tramps are.”

When told of the stamp duty cut our friendly tramp explained, “Yes, that’s great news.  I’ve got my eye on a nice £200,000 flat near the Thames, and after yesterday I’m just £19,997.24 short of my 10% deposit.  And a method of paying the mortgage.  But yes, good news nonetheless.”

The cider duty increase has also hit those in the west country particularly hard, with one Cornish apple farmer explaining, “It’s not just hit the tramps, I’m absolutely livid.”

“With all the petrol duty rises I’d just perfected a method of converting my car to run on cider.  Bastards.”

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