Three quarters of England’s universities are facing real-term budget cuts this year – threatening the very existence of degrees such as David Beckham studies at Staffordshire University.
University funding body Hefce has told institutions they will jolly well have to make do with a fund of £7.3bn – £449m less than the sector was expecting.
This has led to speculation that some courses will be cut, and is bad news for students who enjoy trying to find the most obscure way to spend three years at the tax payers expense.
The degree in David Beckham studies – which looks at football culture and is a very real thing – is likely to be one of the first that will suffer.
Professor Cashmore, who leads the degree programme, explained, “It’s terrible news, I’ve only just set the second years a summer assignment on the cultural impact of trying to make crutches look good.”
“I’d hate to think of all those kids out there wanting to know about the trends in mobile phone use among premier league footballers missing out, and how they will now be forced to study something really boring, like maths or History.”
“Why can’t you look to cut something really useless, like that Surf Science degree at Plymouth Uni? They all have long hair you know.”
Students who are currently studying at Universities across the country have expressed concern over the proposed cuts.
Shane Meadows, 19, told us, “Above all else, I wanted to do a degree in something that interested me, which is why I picked medieval fermentation techniques.”
“Yes, it might sound a bit useless right now, but after the nuclear apocalypse I’m going to be very popular indeed.”
“Those three hours of lectures are the highlight of my week – and now some faceless suits with proper jobs want to take that away from me. It’s terrible.”