Pope Benedict XVI has defended celibacy among his global army of priests, claiming that the human penis is an instrument of Devil, and that by ignoring its sinful urges priests are illustrating their devotion to the Catholic Church, or something.
He was speaking at a theological conference before meeting Germany’s top bishop for talks about a new crisis over the sexual abuse of children, which has absolutely nothing to do with priests being sexually deprived.
He told the conference, “There is no link between being told not to have sex, and having sex with people you’re not supposed to. None at all. You’re all imagining it. Because of the Devil.”
“Look, if God had wanted priests to have sex, he wouldn’t have made them so, you know, creepy.”
“No, it is much better all round if they spend their days in a sexless relationship with someone they never see. It is a lot like being married to a middle-aged travelling salesmen.”
Patrick McGuinness, a former priest, explained that he had struggled with the celibacy element of his time within the church, due to the fact that God gave him a penis.
“I had doubts about the whole celibacy thing, definitely, so I did what any good priest would do, and I asked God for a sign.”
“And do you know what? Within two hours I was sat in a bar with this really hot girl who was very, very drunk. Sometimes the ways in which He works aren’t all that mysterious.”
“I think the Pope should try it – I’m telling you, if he gets to Heaven and finds out God didn’t give a toss either way on the whole celibacy thing, he is going to find himself seriously pissed off.”