Demand for champagne in the UK slumped by about five million bottles in 2009, as the recession also affected wine ponces and the type of people you and I have absolutely nothing in common with.
The news comes as members of the upper classes defended themselves against accusations that they had been left completely isolated from the effects of the global recession.
“We have struggled too,” claimed Gerard Fotherington-Smythe III.
“Yes, some ghastly poor people have lost jobs and homes, but we have been forced to live like savages by cutting back on pater’s Champagne allowance.”
“We even had to cut our personal sommelier’s hours such that he has taken on extra work at a local Michelin starred restaurant – the very shame of it. Sometimes I can barely look the other club members in the eye.”
“So if you think we’ve been unaffected, you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s been a harrowing year for us all.”
Another regular champagne drinker, Eloise Queensbury-James remarked, “Buying Champagne as part of the weekly shop that your maid takes care of is central to the lifestyle of every British citizen, isn’t it?”
“I felt the pain of recession like a burning dagger through my chest when I was forced to tell the housekeeper to cut our Champagne order down from six cases to five.”
“This is what happens when you let a Labour government run riot over the economy. I’ll bet there are homes in England today with fizzy wine that isn’t even from north-east France – it’s embarrassing, frankly.”