Thursday 11 March 2010

Police defend ‘ignore it until it goes away’ crime fighting tactics


Police have defended themselves against criticism by Denis O’Connor, the chief inspector of constabulary, by saying that ignoring crime problems in the vain hope that they will go away is a long established policing tactic.

O’Connor claimed that the failure to properly respond to anti-social incidents was undermining confidence in the police force, something which forces across the country have strongly refuted.

A spokesperson for Greater Manchester police explained, “Confidence comes from predictability, knowing exactly what will happen, and I assure you the people of Manchester are completely confident in predicting our response to a call about what is essentially just some noisy children.”

“Ignoring something until it goes away is a long established technique for dealing with problems – my father, an alcoholic who died at 39, swore by it.”

“There are lots of things that go away if you ignore them for long enough – things like Big Issue vendors, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and member of the public reporting anti-social behaviour.”

Defended

Chairman of the Association of Chief Police Officers, Sir Hugh Orde explained, “The placebo effect is well recognised in science, and all the police forces across the UK are doing is imitating its effects.”

“You could call it a policing placebo – we say all the right things on the phone so they feel like they’re getting actual police action, but they’re not. Not really.”

“They think someone’s coming, but they’re not, and they think someone is investigating the incident, when they aren’t.”

“In most cases people feel better for it – but I admit, that every now and again someone gets bothered by some pesky kids.”

“At the end of the day we must remember that it was Jesus who said to ‘turn the other cheek’ – and that’s what we’re doing.  We’re turning it in the direction the TV in the station canteen and away from that gang burning a car at the end of your street.”

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