Wednesday 3 March 2010

See, you can make good profits without making good shows, says ITV


ITV has returned to an annual profit, disproving the myth that television companies can only be profitable if they make programmes that are not complete and utter garbage.

The broadcaster made a pre-tax profit of £25m in 2009, despite filling its schedule with programmes such as Simon Cowell Makes More Money, Who Katie Did Next, and How To Kill A Rat, Badly.

ITV interim Chairman John Cresswell told reporters, “We see this as a clear vindication of our stated policy of producing shows that lack any artistic merit or intellectual integrity.”

“After last year’s significant financial loss, many of you told us we couldn’t survive unless our programmes improved, yet here we are, sitting on a big pile of cash – and if anything our shows have got even worse.”

“Have you seen Paddy McGuinness’ Take Me Out?  It’s like a cross between Blind Date and the slave trade.  We made up that show that as an in-joke, yet people lap it up as if it’s audio-visual crack cocaine.”

Profits

The company’s profits have risen thanks to increased revenue from advertisers keen to put their sales messages to the type of person who would willingly sit through Fearne Cotton asking inane questions of Peaches Geldof.

Advertising industry expert, Gerry Simmons, explained, “The whole point of advertising is to get people to part with their money.  The more gullible the person, the easier it is to relieve them of their cash.”

“And let us be clear, they don’t get more gullible than the people who think Fearne Cotton fawning all over Peaches Geldof counts as a documentary.  ITV has become an advertisers paradise.”

“It’s a simple equation, the lower the IQ of the viewers, the more lucrative they are, and therefore the higher the cost of advertising.”

“There is a reason ad breaks during the Jeremy Kyle show consist of various semi-retired celebrities shouting, ‘Buy our stuff you idiot!’ – it’s because they’re idiots and they’ll buy your stuff.”

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