Tuesday 2 March 2010

Cocaine use on the rise as real life becomes five times worse than ten years ago


A new survey by the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs has shown that Cocaine use has risen five fold in the last ten years in line with a significant increase in how rubbish everyone’s real life has become.

The survey showed that the need to escape from an incredibly tedious and ultimately unsatisfying existence has risen almost significantly since the last survey taken during 1996.

One survey respondent told the Advisory Council, “I thought I’d have a robot waiter by now, or even something like Sean Young’s replicant out of Blade Runner, but no.”

“I’m still a bloody accountant for the local council.  So yes, I take Cocaine every now and again, just so I can forget how incredibly rubbish my life is.”

“You also have to factor in the perennial problem of spending time with people who are really, really boring.”

“Sure, there are lots of nosebleeds, and I’m on the verge of losing my house – but those few hours spent feeling like a rock star who has the most interesting things in the world that I absolutely have to say to everyone I meet are well worth it.”

Findings

The findings have prompted the Advisory Council to tell the Government it should be doing more to stop everything being so mind-crushingly rubbish, all of the time.

“Unfortunately, it seems that drugs are helping people to forget that real life is actually a bit shit at the moment.”

“And do you know what makes the world look better?  Looking at it through the drug-addled glaze received after inhaling nearly an ounce of poorly cut Peruvian marching powder.”

Another of those surveyed explained, “I might talk a lot of shite when I’m up to the eyeballs on the Devil’s Dandruff, but I tell you what I won’t be talking about – recession, unemployment and Gordon fucking Brown.”

“Apparently this survey found that 6.6% of people aged 18-24 say they’ve taken cocaine, well, that only tells me that 93.4% of 18-24 year olds lie through their fucking teeth.”

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