February 2010

UN to punish Iran with more of those things it doesn’t give a shit about

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After Tehran announced it was stepping up its uranium enrichment programme the US has said the “only path” was obviously to apply more of those UN sanction things that have clearly worked so well in the past.

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Drug cheats much better than love cheats, Capello tells England fans

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John Terry has been replaced by Rio Ferdinand as the new England captain after manager Fabio Capello explained to reporters that drugs cheats are significantly ‘less bad’ than love cheats.

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These are all ceremonial Glock 9mms, gangs tell police

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After Britain’s first Asian judge said Sikhs should be allowed to carry ceremonial daggers – known and Kirpans – in public places, several London gangs have insisted that their assorted weapons are also, ‘purely ceremonial’.

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Pro-choice Super Bowl advert to show woman’s extremely disappointing son

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Following controversy over an anti-abortion advert with the mother of American football star Tim Tebow, a pro-choice advert is to be be run during next year’s Super Bowl in which a mother rues her decision to go to term with her extremely disappointing 25 year old son.

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Sky News apologises for making people feel sorry for Peter Andre

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Sky News broadcaster Kay Burley has apologised for a line of questioning which made members of the public have a degree of sympathy for Peter Andre.

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Violent beer drinkers to revert to hitting you repeatedly with fists

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A shatterproof pint glass was announced yesterday with violent drinkers claiming they look forward to returning to the days when they would merely punch people repeatedly in the face and head, over and over again.

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Hong Kong business man wins Portsmouth FC in game of pass the parcel

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Premier League crisis club Portsmouth have been taken over by their twenty seventh different owner of the season after a game of pass the parcel among people owed money by the ailing club.

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How does a pound a week sound, ask expense repaying MPs

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Sir Thomas Legg is set to recommend that over half of all MPs should repay a portion of their expenses, with most asking how a repayment of a pound a week sounds.

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Katie Price declares undying love for newly famous man

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Katie Price has declared her undying lover for newly-famous cage-fighting boyfriend Alex Reid after marrying him in Las Vegas, a spokesman for the couple has said.

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Fat and toothless children no longer attractive enough for nation’s paedophiles

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Children in Great Britain have become so clinically obese, and have developed such rotten teeth, that they are now unattractive to all but the nation’s most determined paedophiles.

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