Wednesday 24 February 2010

Men everywhere dusting off old Cheryl Cole fantasies


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Deluded men across the nation were this morning dusting off their old Cheryl Cole fantasies after news broke that she is back on the fictional market, and hypothetically looking for a new lover.

The news comes after a statement from her publicist explained she was separating from monumental idiot, Ashley Cole.

However, the newly single Cheryl Cole has inspired millions of single men to dig out an old favourite among sexual fantasies, which in the last few hours has become a little bit closer to reality.

Former Cheryl Cole fantasist, 33 year-old Duncan Young, told us, “I haven’t had a good fantasy about her since she was Cheryl Tweedy, the slightly filthy looking one in that television girl band, and I must say, it’s been like greeting an old friend.”

“There was no awkwardness, and we slipped back into the old routine as if she’d never been away.”

“I tell you what though, she’s learnt a few new tricks over the last couple of years, and once she explained how much better I am than Ashley Cole we pretty much got straight back into it.”

Tough times

Experts have explained how it’s been a tough few years for male fantasies, with Angelina having children, Kylie creeping past forty, and pretty much the only pop star to be seen out in their underwear being Amy Winehouse.

One delighted fantasist explained, “This is fantastic news!  She’s tried the millionaire super-fit sports star, so it makes perfect sense that her next relationship will be completely different, say with a 32 year-old trainee accountant who still lives his mum?”

“The odds are pretty good I think, I mean, there are about 10 million eligible men in the country, and that’s significantly better odds than winning the lottery, so of COURSE I think I’m in with a chance!”

“It’s genuinely exciting to think I have a better chance of getting it on with Cheryl Cole than I do of winning the lottery.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get my nut-sack waxed in case my fantasy comes true and I bump into her over the cucumbers in the vegetable aisle at Tesco.”

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