Tuesday 23 February 2010

Faith schools to teach how sex is much better when you involve God


Ministers are accused of caving into religious organisations and allowing faith schools to teach sex education however they like, including an explanation of how sex is really much better if you involve God.

The move has drawn much criticism from secular organisations, but the Catholic church has been quick to praise the decision to allow them to teach the ways of the ‘Jesus threesome’.

A church spokesperson said, “God should always be invited into the bedroom – not with a video camera or anything, just, you know, to watch for a bit.”

“He loves you, and wants to watch you loving each other, but not in a creepy way like your next door neighbour used to want to watch you.  He won’t hide in the wardrobe or anything.”

“This change of policy is a victory for common sense, after all, who better to give advice on sex than an organisation whose leader is an 80 year old virgin who dresses like a pimped up member of the Ku Klux Klan?”

Results

Many sexually active adults have said the addition of someone else in the love making process might not always lead to such positive results.

Dave Shute of Reading explained, “I tried involving someone else before, and it didn’t really work out that well.  My wife suggested Rory, her Yoga teacher, but to be completely honest the sex just involved a lot of turning away and crying on my part.”

Another told us, “My wife hasn’t had an orgasm in eight years, so you know, I’ll give anything a go.  So can you let God know he needs to be a 47 Alwyn Close at 9pm on Saturday? Oh, and bring a bottle.”

There were fears among religious organisations that God had accidentally been summoned millions of times by love making couples through cries of, “Oh God Oh God oh God”.

A church of England spokesperson explained, “Those sexual exclamations might well have been summoning Him for years, at times when really he’s not really wanted, which is embarrassing for everyone – as anyone who has walked in on their parents will know.”

The final word went to Shelley James of Basingstoke, who said, “I don’t know about welcoming Him into the room, but he’s welcome to subscribe and watch on webcam like the rest of my customers.”

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