Monday 22 February 2010

Bogwashing ‘absolutely rife’ at Number 10, claims Downing Street insider


A former office worker at Number 10 Downing Street has revealed the full extent of the bullying that took place during his time there, including his own regular ‘bogwashes’ at the hands of the Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

The worker, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that despite several calls to an anti-bullying helpline, he was forced to quit his position after an ‘atomic wedgy’ incident in a reception room at Number 10 over an unsugared coffee he had prepared.

“I finally felt enough was enough.  The PM had someone distract me whilst he stood on a chair behind me and then lifted me up by the underpants.  He’s really quite strong and I was in the air for several minutes, which resulted in me suffering severe scrotal chaffing.”

“I could just about put up with the weekly bogwashes, which had become something of a routine after lunch on Wednesdays.  The PM would come to my office and criticise some report I’d prepared before telling me ‘you know what happens now’.”

“He would then parade me down the corridor towards to the toilets, lined by other workers who would all be jeering, ‘Bogwash! Bogwash!’.  I could only hope he’d choose a trap not used by Jack Straw – that guy needs to seriously improve his diet.”

“After a couple of flushes with my head inside the bowl he’d send me back to my desk, sopping wet, explaining to everyone that they should learn from my apparent mistakes.”

Defence

Brown has defended his actions, telling reporters that he only ever abused those people who didn’t do exactly as he said, exactly how he liked, all of the time.

However the insider said that the only person apparently free from the fear of being bullied was sidekick Peter Mandelson.

“He’d often go outside for a smoke with Mandelson and the rest of his gang, then barge his way past you on his way back to his office.  If you happened to be carrying any books he would definitely knock them out of your hands.”

“There was one guy who left last year who Gordon would regularly ask ‘are you a bender tied to a tree’, when he said no, Gordon would dance around Number 10 around singing, ‘bender on the loose, bender on the loose!’.”

“Mandelson and his cronies used to really love that one, telling Gordon he was ‘brilliantly funny’.”

“I was brought up to believe that you should always stand up to bullies.  Well that’s all well and good, but what do you do when he’s the most powerful man in the country?”

“For then next couple of months, anyway.”

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