The British Winter Olympic team have today submitted a formal complaint to the organisers of the Vancouver event over the continued exclusion of traditional British winter sport, the hill slide on a carrier bag.
With the British team so far exceeding expectations by not becoming objects of ridicule – despite not winning a single medal to date – attention has turned to the organisers’ refusal to include events for which we are well prepared as a nation.
A team GB spokesperson explained, “We’re lucky to get a few days snow a year in the UK, so spending money on skis and expensive aerodynamic sledges has never been an option for the kids back home.”
“The way that British youngsters enjoy the snow is to grab one of their mums carrier bags and head to the nearest hill, and I think the organisers should realise this is what the Winter Olympics is all about.”
“We found in trials that the 10p Marks & Spencer variety performed best, but we don’t want to seem elitist, so I’d like to point out that the Lidl free ones were a close second.”
The Winter Olympic association has so far rejected all calls to make the British team even slightly competitive, but Team GB are not downbeat.
“If our appeals are not successful, we have plenty of other ideas for sports in which British competitors can excel.”
“We have, ‘Longest skid whilst staying on your feet’, and ‘Most accurate snowball throw’ – though we have to make clear we do not condone the use of ice and stones, this is not a sport for cheats.”
“If all else fails, we have our fall back submission of ‘Writing your name in urine outside the Post Office’.”