Tuesday 16 February 2010

Banking crisis continues as Barclays barely scrape an £11bn profit


Banking giant Barclays has become yet another victim of the banking crisis after seeing its full-year profits increase by just 92% to £11.6bn in 2009.

The shocking figure comes despite a senior management drive to check down the back or all corporate sofas for any spare change lying around.

The profit announcement comes amid reports of bonus payments amounting to £2.7bn, which has led to significant criticism from areas not receiving £2.7bn in bonuses.

A Barclays spokesperson defended the bonus payments, saying, “£2.7bn might sound like quite a lot, but not when you divide it by the few dozen people who will have to share it.”

“Honestly, we’ll barely be making these people multi-millionaires, which of course is right and proper in these times of austerity.”

Success

A Government spokesperson claimed the profits were a sign that the bank bailout program was a success, right up until someone pointed out that Barclays didn’t receive a penny of Government money.

“Yes, well, they knew it was available, if needed,” continued the spokesperson, “So they were able to continue making risky, yet potentially very lucrative decisions, obviously,” they continued.

“Yes, that’s it.  And without that safety net, they wouldn’t be here today making a lot of bankers very, very, rich.”

“This is a victory for New Labour, and no mistake.”

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