Monday 15 February 2010

Scientists discover new energy source by harnessing Neil Warnock’s righteous indignation


Scientists last night hailed a major breakthrough in the search for unlimited clean energy after an experiment to harness the energy emitted by Crystal Palace manager Neil Warnock’s righteous indignation.

The breakthrough came hours after Warnock’s Crystal Palace were held to a draw by Aston Villa thanks to a set piece goal mistakenly awarded by the assistant referee.

Lead researcher on the project, Professor Shultz, said the idea came to him whilst watching Warnock’s post match interview.

“Scientists have spent hundreds of years trying to perfect the perpetual motion machine, a device capable of providing limitless free energy – but to no avail.”

“But watching Neil Warnock on television I realised that with the right stimulus his righteous indignation could be harnessed for the good of mankind, and effectively forever.”

Experiment

Professor Shultz continued, “We show him repeats of decisions which have gone against him whenever it appears his indignation is about run out.”

“Science has always said you can’t make something out of nothing, but anyone who’s seen a post match Warnock interview will realise that is untrue.”

“Of course, we have to make sure he doesn’t see any of the decisions that went his way – such as stopping the opposition striker going through one-on-one when he was clearly onside in yesterday’s match – because as a morality conflict like that could stop us in our tracks.”

“Which is why we apply what we’ve called the ‘Wenger Filter’ to ensure the subject is only exposed to those incidents in which he feels he has been wronged in some way.  He simply can not see the rest.”

“We also have one of our test team whisper that ‘they’re doing it deliberately Neil’ every now and again, or that it’s ‘all part of an FA conspiracy to keep you away from the top flight’, which acts as a bit of a turbo boost if output is falling.”

“We’re extremely proud of our discovery, and only hope that it is used for good, and not some god-awful enormous shouty bomb.”

The team are expecting a call from the Nobel prize committee any day now.

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