Friday 12 February 2010 By Jeff Nicols

Church of England to recall thousands of vicars


The Church of England is recalling at least four thousand of vicars over concerns of faulty baptisms performed by those men of God released since June 2005.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Dr Rowan Williams said there were technical faults with some baptisms conducted between 2006 to 2008, which could lead to conflicts of morality later in life.

He told reporters, “The risk of any problem with your baptism is slim, but we take the safety of the eternal souls of our believers extremely seriously, so the recall was the only realistic option available to us.”

Though the number is small, the move is unlikely to play out well for the Church, whose assets value just £4.4bn after the recent £400m sale of its faith-funded properties.

Recalibrated

The vicars are likely to be recalibrated to prevent further mishaps, with congregations around the country being assured that the issue is being addressed swiftly, and with safety in the afterlife of paramount concern.

Despite news of the recall, parish attendance numbers are up in the face of fierce competition from the Winter Olympics and Sky 1’s reality smash Got To Dance.

“International terrorism and the financial crisis have been good to us,” said one Church insider, “It’s the perfect storm of fear and personal difficulty.”

While Christianity in the UK is dwindling in the face of multi-faith Britain, it seems this religion is still telling its competitors to go to hell.

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