Friday 29 January 2010

You can happily shop here looking like a fucking tramp, claims Aldi


After a Tesco store asked customers not to shop in their pyjamas or barefoot, supermarket chain Aldi has made it clear it is happy for their customers to continue looking like a bunch of inebriated vagrants.

The Tesco store in St Mellon in Cardiff has posted notices asking customers to “stop dressing like a fucking tramp all of the fucking time” alienating large numbers of tramp resembling local residents.

A Tesco spokesperson said, “Look, we’re not killjoys here, but we’d prefer it if you made just a slight effort when giving us all of your benefit money.”

“The one concession we ask for when dealing with the generally disgusting public, is that they make themselves look respectable.  We know they’re not, but we’re happy with a shallow façade.”

“When that’s gone, it’s more than we can stomach, to be honest.”

Welcome

However, Aldi has claimed it would welcome such shoppers with open arms, so long as they have a few pennies in their pockets.

“We’re not fussy.  At all.” said a spokesperson.

“We’ve built a thriving business based on shoppers who look like they’ve stepped off the set of a Zombie movie, so we’ll take them if Tesco don’t want them.

“After a while, the stench of shit and piss tends to fade, and you can focus on all the money they’re giving you.  From a small purse.  Kept in their underpants.”

“In fact, most of our offers rely on you shopping with the urgency of someone who has recently soiled themselves.”

“The only people we don’t want in our store are people called Kerry Katona.”

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