Tuesday 26 January 2010

Smiles all round as everything is 0.1% better than we thought


The UK economy has come out of recession, after figures showed that everything is 0.1% better than it was last summer.

The news has come as welcome relief to those suffering the brunt of the economic downturn, with the unemployed particularly pleased by the announcement.

Dave Smith, 32 told us, “Someone called this morning to tell me that I’m now 0.1% less unemployed, which is great to be honest.”

“I suppose that technically I’m 0.1% less homeless too, which has significantly less stigma attached.”

“There’s a spring in my step again, the like of which I haven’t seen since the summer of 2007.”

Celebration

The news that everything is 0.1% better than we thought has been seen as cause for celebration by many, particularly with those of no comprehension how big 0.1% actually is.

“It’s all 0.1% better?  Everything?” asked one such economically naive individual.

“So, my girlfriend is 0.1% less unfaithful, and my genitals are 0.1% larger?  Actually, I suppose they are, now I think about it.  They did feel slightly different this morning.”

“Even my boss said I’m now 0.1% less likely to be fired, which essentially means I’m safe now, right?”

A Treasury spokesperson claimed the return to growth was a vindication of the fiscal policies employed by Labour in the last 18 months.

“This is great news for everyone, yes, we are back in the realms of economic growth.”

“No, no, the actual figures are irrelevant, what’s important is that you write that we are growing again.  Yes, the end of the recession, do you want me to spell it for you?”

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