Monday 25 January 2010

Goldman Sachs UK partners to struggle by on just £1m a year


Goldman Sachs’ 100 UK-based partners are capping their 2009 pay and bonuses and will manfully struggle on throughout the year earning just £1m each, NewsArse has learned.

A Goldman Sachs’ spokesperson explained that they wanted to be seen to be exercising restraint, and felt that awarding themselves the wages of a mid-ranking premiership footballer seemed the best way to achieve this.

“We have no desire to aggravate the Government in this time of financial difficulty, so we will get by on the minimum subsistence allowance required by a modern investment banker.”

“I trust people will see this for what this is, a genuine attempt to suffer in solidarity with the rest of the country.”

Executives

Despite partners agreeing to a limit on their pay, less senior executives will earn significantly more, because frankly, they couldn’t give a shit what you think about them.

One told us, “Look, I’m an Investment banker.  Do you think I chose this profession so I could end each day with a nice warm fuzzy feeling inside?”

“No, I chose it so I could afford really expensive prostitutes to provide that feeling for me.”

“If the partners want to spend the year living like paupers, let them.  But if they touch one penny of my earnings I’ll simply piss off to the next bank willing to pay me.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just don’t give a shit about your or your personal circumstances.”

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