British forces in Iraq are facing yet another scandal after lawyers representing the inmates of a detention centre accused a soldier serving in the Queen’s Rutland Fusiliers of regularly abusing himself.
Iraqi prisoners claim that ‘Corporal D’, a guard at the Abu-Qala temporary detention centre, carried out a systematic campaign of ‘degrading and inhumane’ self-pollution over a six month period.
In a joint statement, they allege that Corporal D would “disappear into the toilets with a copy of Loaded for substantial periods of time,” before reappearing in a “breathless and agitated state.”
If their testimony is to be believed, Corporal D’s behaviour became worse after the publication of FHM’s 100 Sexiest Babes pullout special.
“I suspect he did more than pull it out,” one prisoner wrote.
‘We’d hardly see him for days, but we could certainly hear him! The thumping and grunting would go on for hours – listening to that was tantamount to psychological torture.”
“All we had to keep us going was a smuggled picture of Hassan’s sister in her best burqa,” another complainant alleges.
“And there he was with the best lad’s mags money could buy – he was rubbing our faces in it. Well, not literally – he wasn’t a Ba’athist or, God forbid, an American.”
The prisoners’ claims are further substantiated by the fact that the Ministry of Defence has admitted to be examining the behaviour of an, as of yet un-named, soldier.
The MOD spokesperson explained, “We are currently investigating allegations that a British soldier in Iraq brought Her Majesty’s armed forces into disrepute by dishonouring his regiment, and ultimately, himself.”
However they strongly deny rumours that this individual escalated his brutal program of self-abuse by using whips, electrodes and cattle prods.
“No British soldier in Iraq would stoop so low,’ continued the MOD spokesman.
“Deepcut Barracks maybe, but not in Iraq.”