Tuesday 19 January 2010

Tories to insist teachers are brighter than some of the children in the class


The Conservatives are promising to make teaching “brazenly elitist” by ensuring that a BTEC Diploma in Transport Management no longer qualifies you to teach Geography to young adults.

The move comes as a direct challenge to what the Tories call ‘falling standards’ in Britain’s classrooms.

Conservative leader David Cameron told us, “We feel that a teacher should be brighter than at least half of the children they are teaching.  As a minimum.  We’d like it to be 60%, but we have to start somewhere.”

“We want teaching to be a career people aspire to, not something considered a last resort before offering yourself for medical trials with experimental drug treatments.”

“Are we going to pay them more money?  Well, no. No we’re not.”

“Elevating standards will be about prestige, and if we say teaching is prestigious often enough, then people will start to believe it.  That is the plan, anyway.”

Policy

Labour ministers have been quick to dismiss the Tories policy statement, claiming it is nothing more than what the Labour party are doing already.

Labour’s Schools Secretary Ed Balls said, “We already focus on employing graduates that are mostly brighter than the students in their class.”

“Fortunately, this has become significantly easier due to today’s school children being really, really thick.”

“You could put a loaf of bread on a chair at the front of the class and it would have an IQ higher than 20% of the kids in your average inner city comprehensive.”

“But have we resorted to using bread?  No, instead we have used barely qualified semi-conscious mouth-breathers, and to great success I am sure you will agree.”

Comprehensive school kids across the country are said to be extremely excited about the possibility of getting their hands on an old Etonian.

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