Monday 18 January 2010

It is not all Buckfast, we’re proper naughty, insist Scottish criminals


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Hardcore Scottish criminals have been quick to defend their reputations against Police accusations that they only break the law due to drinking caffeinated tonic wine Buckfast.

New evidence has shown that Scottish tonic wine Buckfast has been mentioned in over five thousand crime reports in the last three years, many of which were violent.

Scottish criminal Kenny McLoud told us, “We break the law because we’re proper criminals, and because we want to.”

“It has nothing to do with drinking 25% more alcohol than people in England and Wales.”

“And absolutely nothing to do with that alcohol being infused with the caffeine you’d find in eight cans of coke.”

Experts

Neuroscientist Dr Steven Alexander from Nottingham University said that consuming such large amounts of caffeine would make people feel “very anxious and aggressive – you know, a bit ‘Scottish’”.

However, McLoud dismissed the idea that caffeinated booze makes him behave like an ASBO-wielding teenager with ADD.

He continued, “The experts would have you believe that Scotland would be a country fully of smiling pacifists if it wasn’t for all the alcohol we drink.”

“Well let me assure you that is utter bollocks.”

“If anything, I’m even worse when I’m sober.  The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, the pounding headache, the bloodshot eyes and the voices telling me to shout at the passing buses.”

“Honestly, I’m a proper nightmare for that first fifteen minutes each morning until I neck my first Buckfast.”

“I drink Buckfast because I like it, it tastes great and was made by men of God – how could some monks with a multi-million pound brewery business possibly be responsible for a drink that creates evil?”

“Look, even if I didn’t drink it, I’d still definitely have a resting heart rate of 120 beats per minute need to spend the day stifling an all consuming inner rage.”

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