The term ‘units of alcohol’ should be scrapped in favour of the equally baffling ‘centilitres of pure alcohol’ in an attempt to ensure people have no idea how much they are drinking, the Tories have said.
The party explained there was confusion over ‘units’ and the UK should adopt a specific measure no-one understands in order to encourage maximum alcohol consumption following the election.
Shadow Health Secretary Andrew Lansley told reporters, “It’s critically important for the success of the next Conservative government that people be borderline paralytic for the first couple of years of our new regime.”
“What we’re planning to do is going to hurt, quite a lot, and alcohol has been a rudimentary anaesthetic for hundreds of years.”
“The best way to keep a population in check, is to keep it drunk. How do you think the Russians got away with for so long?”
Lansley went to on to explain that arriving at the centilitre system had not been an arbitrary decision.
“Our first draft of this proposal had drinks classified by their strength using animal names,” continued Lansley.
“A glass of wine was a zebra, a pint of bitter was a camel, and a pint of Stella was a gorilla, but we felt people might work it out a bit too quickly and therefore maybe ease up a bit.”
“We discovered that using genuine scientific measurements that no-one understands is considerably more baffling to the average voter.”
“Plus, those that do work out how much volume a centilitre actually is, will see it’s such a tiny amount and continue drinking.”
“As plans go, this is quite simply A-Team-esque.”