Tuesday 12 January 2010 19th July 2005

Murdoch buys MySpace, giving new bands excellent soul selling opportunities


Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.

The all-conquering NewsCorp tycoon paid $580 million for Intermix Media, which owns MySpace.

The deal has prompted yet more hordes of guitar-thrashing wannabes to ritually upload their turgid droning in mp3 format to their brand spanking new MySpace pages as a sacred offering to Lucifer.

Murdoch’s astute takeover of the internet’s premier vanity portal for hipsters has finally enabled aspiring purveyors of The Devil’s music to make an instantaneous pact with The Evil One himself, without having to tediously court record labels for months on end.

“I am ready to rock, and I am the highest bidder for your malleable, pathetic souls,” said Murdoch, who now owns your daily paper, your favourite satellite channel, and your mojo.

“I will not only give you the loftiest platform ever for your mediocre songs, I will give you crassly targeted advertising, retina-damaging graphics, a laughable privacy policy, and a hilariously tenuous new definition of the word ‘friend’,” he told every unsigned artist in the world.

Whoring

Underachieving indie bands with delusions of credibility have been quick to embrace Murdoch’s dangly carrot of morally equivocal rock’n’roll salvation.

Ed Landfill, singer with Brighton indie rockers We!Love!!Exclamation!!!Marks!!!!, told us, “With Murdoch’s clout behind MySpace we can now take online corporate rock whoring to the next level.”

“After being turned down by so many record labels, it’s fabulous finally being in league with The Devil,” he continued.

“We will celebrate by aggressively spamming millions of 13-year-old girls with friend requests to make us appear phenomenally popular with the tweenage demographic, while still playing to three tramps and a whippet on a drizzly Tuesday night at the Turd and Bogbrush in Camden Town.”

“Oh, and please, Rupert, please, don’t add yourself as a friend. You look like a geriatric serial killer. And that is not a good look for our tweenage Friendspace, believe me. Plus, we’d be too scared to unfriend you.”

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