Tony Blair’s former spin doctor Alastair Campbell will today be called to give evidence at the the Iraq Inquiry and will use his time to convince the panel that the 2003 invasion was actually their fault all along.
Campbell is to be questioned over three hours about his involvement in the lead up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq, whilst simultaneously using his devil-bestowed powers to persuade the inquiry he wasn’t even there.
There is a strong expectation that the enquiry will be closed after Campbell’s testimony, at which point several members of committee will claim to have been responsible for the decision to go to war.
A Whitehall insider told us, “I spent fifteen minutes in Mr Campbell’s presence once, and he somehow convinced me I was a black man from New Orleans.”
“I’m a fifty year old woman from Aberdeen for God’s sake!”
Committee Chairman Sir John Chilcott said that precautions have been taken prior to Mr Campbell’s testimony.
“We will have to listen to him in shifts, as anyone exposed to more than fifteen minutes of his voice will undoubtedly be inclined to do his bidding against their will.”
“I’ve just spent an hour explaining these rules to Mr Campbell at length, and I think we’re ready to start… yet I suddenly have this compelling urge to tell you something.”
“Yes, that’s it. I did it apparently, sorry about that.”