Monday 11 January 2010

Liverpool director to take time out for lessons in English swearing


Liverpool FC director Tom Hicks Junior has resigned from his role on the board of the club to undergo intensive swearing training, following his overly-Americanised attempt to abuse a supporter.

Hicks, who has received several emails from supporters querying the significant balls-up the directors had made of the clubs finances, responded with what he thought to be a well-reasoned and delightfully-constructed English style verbal assault.

However, the club have moved to quickly remove Hicks Jnr. from the front-line, and to ensure that his swearing repertoire is significantly improved before his next fan facing engagement.

Unacceptable

An Anfield spokesperson told us, “We have let Tom Hicks Jnr know in no uncertain terms that insults such as ‘blow me fuckface’ are not of the quality we expect from Liverpool football club representatives.”

“Not only does it utilise weak sounding American vernacular for the act of oral sex, it also uses a derogatory term rarely used by anyone past puberty.”

“Anyone not familiar with the case would assume Tom Hicks Jnr was an eleven year-old American boy with learning difficulties.”

A fans representative spoke of their disappointment, “Liverpool has a rich seam of perpetuated stereotypes with which to enhance any insult, yet he chose not to use any of them.”

“Not a single mention of signing on, going thieving, or ‘calming down’.  It’s typical of the dismissive nature of our current owners to make such a prosaic insult.”

Lessons

Hicks Jnr. has been enrolled in a three months intensive course run by one of the nation’s most beloved swearing experts, Gordon Ramsay.

“He should be embarrassed, frankly,” began Ramsay upon reading Hicks’ application for his swearing course.

“He went with ‘Blow me fuckface’?  Christ, even my week one students know he should have said, ‘suck my wrinkly ballsack, cunt-knuckle’ – it’s basic swearing at the most elementary level.”

“Come and see him in April, I’ll have him putting together the most beautifully exotic insults, crafted from the finest expletives these shores have to offer.”

“Or he’ll just be calling everyone a cunt.”

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