Friday 8 January 2010 1st July, 2007

All pubs to smell of vomit and body odour


The smoking ban came into force at midnight last night, ensuring the nation’s public houses allow the remaining repulsive aromas to fully penetrate drinkers’ nasal cavities.

The much anticipated ban will force smokers to cough and splutter outside in the elements, whilst non-smoking drinkers enjoy their drinks in a smoke free environment.

However, the ban has already had some unforeseen side effects.

One regular drinker, Patrick McGuinness, told us, “It’s great, because we’ll all be healthier and live longer I guess.  But fuck me, don’t people absolutely reek?”

“When there was smoking going on in here, I could sort of pretend everyone smelled nice apart from their constant cigarette sucking, but Jesus Christ was I wrong.”

“This place now smells like the bowels of a professional curry taster that have been given a good wipe down with a week old armpit.”

Complaints

Despite the complaints, most smokers are claiming not to notice the new smells.

“Look, I’ve been a 20 a day man since I was 17.  So I haven’t smelled anything since 1989.” said one.

“If you tell me I stink, I’ll just have to take your word for it.”

Staunch anti-smoking campaigner Sheila Greggs, 35 told us, “I never thought I’d long for the smell of cigarette smoke, but seriously, if I get the whiff of one more arm pit or gaseous bowel movement I will fucking scream.”

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