Thursday 7 January 2010 2nd January, 2000

Millennium Bug now sheepishly pondering its next move


The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.

The Bug’s PR team had confidently predicted digital Armageddon at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, when your PC was allegedly configured to blow up in your face, on mistaking the year 2000 for 1900.

Those who had not paid vast wads of cash to the Bug’s gangland enforcers to come and perform a mysterious numerological ritual involving the numbers ’19’ and ’20’ on your entire computer network, feared the worst.

There was speculation that the Bug would cause Jumbo jets to fall out of the sky; hospitals, power stations and nuclear launch pads to fold in on themselves; and a humongous trap door to open, dropping us all into Hell.

But IT experts have now unanimously agreed, this hasn’t happened.

With its hell-raising reputation in tatters, the demoralised Millennium Bug is now reported to be keeping a low profile as it seeks to reinvent itself.

Depression

Professor Geoffrey Motherboard, of the Institute for Bug Studies, told us, “Our latest research indicates that the Millenium Bug is currently comfort-feeding on a dead mouse behind a skirting board just north of Basingstoke.”

“We understand it to be in a state of severe clinical depression, and is on the verge of becoming morbidly obese.”

“Clearly its failure to technologically shaft the western world’s entire digital infrastructure, whilst tapping into our Nostradamus complex, has been a massive blow to its ego.”

“Personally, I think the Millennium Bug will need cognitive therapy and a number of Weight-watchers classes to regain its self-esteem, and return to its fighting weight. Plus a new name. Obviously.”

“Perhaps then it can reconstitute itself as, say, a virus, or a worm, or an irritating pop-up ad. Or a Fart Button you simply know you want to press.”

“Oh yes, viruses, worms, and pop-ups are here to stay, though Bill Gates assures us that Windows 2000 will mean the end of computer viruses for ever.”

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