Tuesday 5 January 2010 28th February, 2003

Iraq has face-melting and genital-shrinking technology, insists Blair


Prime Minister Tony Blair this morning announced that evidence has been found that Iraq is harbouring weapons capable of melting your face and shrinking your genitals, and as such, we must go to war immediately.

The announcement is expected to lead to a formal declaration of war and a full invasion of Saddam Hussein’s Iraq is now imminent.

Blair told the House of Commons, “Iraq has got some scary shit weapons, I kid you not.”

“Do you want tiny genitals? Do you? I’m sure Jordan wouldn’t mind a few cubic square feet taken out of hers, but most of us think the idea is horrendous.”

“Face melting is just the start, they’ve got this one bomb that essentially gives you lots and lots of hurty paper cuts.  Are you scared yet?”

“You should be, we are quite certain they have also got a smart bomb that will render everyone retarded, and drive millions dribbling to their television screens to see if Cameron or Nush will win Big Brother.”

Prevention

The Prime Minister explained that all was not lost, and the nation was not condemned to a future of tiny penises and faces like the Chancellor Gordon Brown.

Blair continued, “We can stop them, we just need to invade them.  So that’s OK then?  The invasion like?”

“My mate George in America assures me that it’s definitely the right thing to do.”

“You can ask weapon inspector Dr David Kelly if you like, he’s seen all the evidence, but he seems to have switched off his mobile.”

“So, let’s warm up those tanks, eh?”

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