December 2009

‘Thou shall not steal’ leaves plenty of wiggle room, claims priest

A priest from North Yorkshire has advised his congregation that the ten commandments actually contain quite a lot of wiggle room, and if they want something this Christmas, they should just shoplift if.

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Man City sack Huges for failing to win everything, everywhere, all of the time

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Manchester City have parted company with manager Mark Hughes, after he failed to use the vast sums of money at his disposal to secure the Christmas number one and to win absolutely everything else, all of the time.

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South-east weather conversations predicted to get even worse

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Conversations with strangers about the weather are expected to become even more tedious thanks to heavy snow fall in the south-east over the last 24 hours.

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Most Copenhagen delegates not that bothered about Tuvalu

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A major split has emerged at the UN climate talks in Copenhagen, after island nation Tuvalu pushed for tighter emissions restrictions whilst developed countries insisted they’d quite like to keep their really big televisions and Range Rovers.

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Flyglobespan customers delighted to be stranded away from Scotland

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Thousands of customers left stranded around the world by collapsed Scottish airline flyglobespan have expressed their gratitude at not being forced to go back to Scotland any time soon.

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But our kids are unbearable when sober, parents tell Liam Donaldson

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Parents who allow their children alcohol in the home are doing so purely to make their progeny even remotely bearable, a parents association spokesman has told England’s chief medical officer.

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Jesus secretly hoping for a Playstation 3 on his birthday

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With Christmas fast approaching, Jesus Christ has announced that rather than offering prayers and kind thoughts to your fellow man, this year he would actually quite like a Sony Playstation 3. Jesus himself is traditionally ignored on his birthday, with most of his followers believing that spending an hour or so thinking about him is [...]

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All men take Twiggy off their ‘old women I’d still do’ lists

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Men everywhere have removed Oil of Olay model Twiggy from their lists of old women they’d still definitely do, after discovering that she actually looks like a normal 60 year old woman.

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Rafa Benitez invents new definition of the word ‘guarantee’

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Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez last night took the ambitious step of redefining the well-established English language word ‘guarantee’ for his own purposes.

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X Factor protestors to give money to Sony in slightly different way

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Organisers of a Christmas number 1 protest against the X Factor have chosen to purchase a different song owned by the Sony Music Entertainment than the Joe McElderry track being released by Simon Cowell’s bit of Sony Music Entertainment.

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