Monday 28 December 2009

Al Qaeda running low on borderline competent terrorists


After another bungled attempt to blow up a transatlantic flight, Al Qaeda has admitted that its stock of competent terrorists is running extremely low.

23 year-old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab failed to detonate his explosives on a Boxing Day flight to Detroit, despite months of training by Al Qaeda operatives.

The failure of Abdulmutallab to use what is considered to be a basic home-made explosive device, has led many to speculate that Al Qaeda has finally been forced to use idiots in its terrorist plots.

Terrorism expert Terrence Connolly told us, “It’s the one fundamental flaw in Al Qaeda’s plan.  Once you use a suicide bomber, you can’t use them again, no matter how clever they were.”

“It was all well and good using up their members capable of learning to fly a plane for the twin towers attacks, but then they’d been used up.”

“After that they were left using their members who could decipher a tube map and pack a rucksack.”

“But then of course they’d blown themselves up, and the second lot of tube bombers were too stupid to even manage that.”

“Then it was a case of asking someone to drive a car into an airport in Scotland whilst setting themselves on fire – something even a retard could manage – but still they failed.”

“And now we have people who can’t even set fire to themselves on a plane after a month of training.”

Next phase

Connolly continued by suggesting that the next series of attacks could be almost comical in their ineffectiveness.

“Honestly, it’s quite possible the next attack will involve a big paper bag and a loud shout of ‘BANG'”

“It’s a doomed strategy on Al Qaeda’s part anyway, I mean, can you really trust someone who is motivated by the promise of sexual favours in the afterlife?”

“What if Christianity made them a better offer?  Say one-hundred virgins in Heaven, and a roll around with a prostitute in the nearest motel?”

“It’s an unsustainable model, and it is making Al Qaeda the laughing stock of the terrorism world.”

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