Monday 21 December 2009

Man City sack Huges for failing to win everything, everywhere, all of the time


Manchester City have parted company with manager Mark Hughes, after he failed to use the vast sums of money at his disposal to secure the Christmas number one and to win absolutely everything else, all of the time.

Hughes had his contract terminated on Sunday after seeing Rage Against the Machine top the charts, despite his side beating Sunderland in a thrilling 4-3 encounter, a match which some Arabs described as ‘alright I suppose’.

City Chief Executive Garry Cook explained, “After an investment approaching a billion pounds, our new owners expect a greater return than merely winning some football matches from time to time.”

“A Christmas number one was a realistic target at the start of the season, and it was looking increasingly unlikely that Manchester City would reach its stated target of winning a general election come May next year.”

“It was decided that the club needed to move in a new direction with a manager capable of challenging for absolutely everything, everywhere, bringing the owners the success they feel their money so obviously deserves.”

Expected

Football commentators have said that the writing had been on the wall for Hughes’ City career for some time.

Sky Sports Andy Gray explained, “Failing to reach boot camp on X Factor certainly counted against him, and as soon as City didn’t win Sports Personality of the Year, he was a dead man walking.”

“Maybe if City had won something minor like Strictly Come Dancing he might have survived the season, but losing to Chris Hollins was a slap in the face for the ever-so-deserving new owners.”

New manager Roberto Mancini has said he fully expects to bring Manchester City the level of success they deserve.

“I am delighted to be here, and though I don’t like to make promises, I am confident we will secure the Celebrity Come Dine With Me title in the coming weeks.”

“Plus, I really feel that with the resources at my disposal, an Academy Award is a reasonable target for the rest of the season, though a BAFTA is the minimum I expect.”

“But in the meantime, I will focus on trying to stop a number of over-paid millionaire ponces from shipping goals all the fucking time.”

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