Friday 18 December 2009

Most Copenhagen delegates not that bothered about Tuvalu


A major split has emerged at the UN climate talks in Copenhagen, after island nation Tuvalu pushed for tighter emissions restrictions whilst developed countries insisted they’d quite like to keep their really big televisions and Range Rovers.

Tuvalu, an island in the Pacific between Hawaii and Australia, is one of the most susceptible nations to rising sea levels, and so are predictably going on and on about about CO2 levels at the Copenhagen summit.

One delegate told us, “Tuvalu are arguing over about Co2 levels, but we are now just 100 parts per million apart in setting targets.”

“That is quite literally fuck all.  It’s one in ten thousand. We’re happy with 4 bits of CO2 in 10,000 bits of atmosphere, and they’re insisting on it being 3 bits in 10,000.”

“We developing nations think they’re taking the piss, to be honest.”

“The decision we are facing is, do we agree to remove that one in ten-thousand piece of CO2, or do we keep our nice cars and private jets.  It’s a decision we agonised over for several seconds.”

Debate

Arguments continue to rage between the haves and the have nots, with the haves surprisingly much more content with the status quo.

A G8 spokesperson said, “Look, it’s pretty simple, how can you miss something you never had, eh?”

“So we recommend restricting developing nations’ ability to grow, we get to keep our massive cars and patio heaters, and they never need to know what they’re missing.  It’s win win.”

“Anyway, we gave Tuvalu $50m for their .tv domain name rights, so couldn’t they just buy another small island somewhere a bit higher up?”

“There are some bargains to be had just off the north coast of Scotland you know.”

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