Wednesday 16 December 2009

Rafa Benitez invents new definition of the word ‘guarantee’


Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez last night took the ambitious step of redefining the well-established English language word ‘guarantee’ for his own purposes.

When questioned on his team’s recent poor form, Benitez told reporters that he ‘guaranteed’ that Liverpool will be in the top four at the end of the season, seemingly oblivious to the word’s meaning.

“Yes, I guarantee it,” continued Benitez when pressed by reporters after his team found themselves behind perennial strugglers Birmingham City in the pre-Christmas premier league table.

“Much like I guaranteed winning the premier league last seasons, and guaranteed to my wife I’d get rid of this goatee.”

“My guarantee is my word.  Which word, it is not yet clear, but it is my word, definitely.”

Language

Linguists has have suggested that his complete misappropriation of the word may have come from prolonged exposure to people from Liverpool.

Professor Lawrence head of Linguistics at Oxford University told us, “The word guarantee, when coming from the mouth of a scouser trying to sell you something, takes on a completely new meaning.”

“It essentially means, ‘I will say anything to get you off my back now, as I will be long gone when whatever you are buying goes tits up’,”

“In fact, the ‘I won’t be here anyway’ element could possibly mean this guarantee is actually some sort of resignation.”

“Or, he has been ripped off so many times that the word has lost all meaning, after all, someone guaranteed him that Lucas Leiva was a Brazilian international footballer.”

When told by a reporter that a guarantee was essentially a legally binding promise, Benitez became agitated and demanded that someone get him Lucas’ agent on the phone.

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