Wednesday 9 December 2009

Idiots disappointed after posting their gold to complete strangers


Several hundred idiots are said to be unhappy after items of gold jewellery posted to complete strangers at ‘cash conversion’ companies returned significantly lower sums than expected.

The complaints have ensured that the practise of sending valuable items to perfect strangers, through the post, has been officially denounced by consumer groups as ‘probably unwise now we think about it’.

With the price of gold near a record high, many gullible imbeciles have found it an offer that’s hard to ignore: send us your unwanted jewellery and we’ll send you a cheque straight back, honest.

Dave Chance, a customer of ‘Gold 4 Cash, Honest’, told us, “It seemed like such a good offer, and walking all the way to the nearest jewellers for a valuation is such a pain in the arse, it’s nowhere near the dole office or the pub.”

“I called them and they even sent me a Freepost envelope – why would they do that if they weren’t on the level, eh?”

“So I sent them about four dozen sovereign rings and all they offered me in return was £7.50.  I was hoping for at least £20.”

Business

Members of the cash for gold business community have been quick to defend their practises and the growth of their lucrative industry.

“I set up my cash for gold company because I was unhappy with the hours I was keeping in my previous career, as a burglar.” said 45 year old Buster McGraw.

“I mean, burgling people in their homes was lucrative alright, but all those late nights, the stress, it plays absolute havoc with your complexion.”

“I decided it would be much better if I could convince perfect strangers to send me their valuables in the post without the need for me to break into their houses and rifle through their drawers.”

“The good news is our customer list is also extremely valuable to spammers looking for gullible marks, so we get paid twice.”

“Admittedly, we get sent an awful lot of Elizabeth Duke shite, but every now and again someone sends us something I’d have been happy to find under a mattress.”

“At the end of the day, no-one is forcing them to send their valuables to us.  If you want to assign blame, blame genetics for not giving them the ability to even remotely question an obviously too-good-to-be-true offer.”

“As we say in the industry, idiots and their jewellery are soon parted.”

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